I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
