I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
