I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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