Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
