U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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