we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
