I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
