There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
