I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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