my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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