I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
