Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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