i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
