drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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