woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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