I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
