Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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