Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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