Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My vagina just recognized that song.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
