If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
