she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
