you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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