Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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