jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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