Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
they need to just BURY HIM!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
