First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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