he referred to my room as the tit cave...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
