I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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