Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
