I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
