my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
