You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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