How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
