i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
