So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
