you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am spending my child support on dildos
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
