shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
