Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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