The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The uberlube is also flammable
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
