I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
