I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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