I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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