I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
