My room smells like vodka and shame
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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