I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
