Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
