I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
either way he was missing a nipple.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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