I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
