Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
