frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
