K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
