I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
