My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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