dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
