My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
