I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
