When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
