12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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