Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Panties = found
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
