So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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